World Events

The United Nations has registered its concern over reports that the Fremantle Dockers invaded Iraq overnight.

Reports coming out of Baghdad have condemned the Docker invasion, which has apparently included circle work, ball-handling drills, conditioning tasks and skills work.

Addressing a hastily-convened emergency meeting of the United Nations, an unrepentant Fremantle coach, Chris Connolly, defended his team’s actions, saying he had a young squad and it was important, even in the pre-season, to simulate the tension and danger of a match situation wherever possible.

“Footy is war. Everybody knows that,” he told the UN. “Sure, we could be building our muscles by carrying buckets of sand around on some nice Australian beach like other teams, but I wanted a genuine sense of danger and adrenalin and excitement as we went through our pre-season routines.

“If Saddam Hussein, or the UN for that matter, don’t like having the Dockers on Iraqi soil, I say it’s up to them to come and try to give us the old heave ho,” he added defiantly.

Prime Minister John Howard, a token Swans supporter, also expressed his concern over the Dockers’ actions. “I’ve been working for weeks on my Winston Churchill pose and rhetoric for when George Bush orders me to send Australian troops to their pointless death. To be upstaged by Chris Connolly is a bitter pill indeed.”

Sources inside Iraq have reported confused responses to the Fremantle invasion, with some of Hussain’s top military advisors recommending an immediate armed response on both the team’s training camp, near the Kuwait border, and on Fremantle itself.

But others say the Dockers’ presence is a great photo opportunity for the besieged Iraqi President and Saddam should consider the PR value of being seen shaking hands with Trent Croad, trying on a Dockers Guernsey and maybe even comically attempting to kick a Sherrin.

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