APRIL 1930: Lindrum trash-talks his way to new billiards record

MANCHESTER - The sport of billiards is a tuxedo-wearing world in shock today after Walter Lindrum set a world record aggregate, while remorselessly trash-talking his opponent, Britain’s Willie Smith.

Over the course of the contest, played across the previous fortnight, Lindrum made 10 breaks of more than 1000 and landed an estimated 2457 insults on the dignified Smith.

“Yo, who’s your daddy?” Lindrum asked Smith, as he landed his final shot, to record an astonishing aggregate of 30,817 points. “Take it all, bitch.”

Smith, who averaged a creditable 109 per innings for the match, could only watch in despair as Lindrum dominated the table and the sledging.

“Do you eat apples?” the Australian said loudly while completing a 100 break in only 48 seconds. “I asked do you eat apples?” When Smith replied in the affirmative, Lindrum completed a 1000 break in 28 minutes then said loudly: “Well, how do you like them apples?”

Recording a winning margin of 21,285 points (a world record), Lindrum put his cue between his legs and performed pelvic thrusts along its shaft, whispering: “Yeah! Suck on that, loser. How’s yo momma like that one? She might want to get some real rod action from a winner; know what I’m saying, bee-atch?”

Even Smith was visibly affronted when Lindrum made a particularly difficult shot while looking back over his shoulder at his opponent, grinning and saying: “It’s like a nightmare, isn’t it?”